#FreeSpirits
I once made up one half of a performing arts group called #FreeSpirits. I’d sling my ukulele on my back, lace up my Doc Martens, and prance around downtown singing, dancing, and disturbing the peace. I adore that version of Bee. She is fun, she is light, and her radiant smile is so catching that simply reminiscing about it is enough to lift my spirits, even now. What I love most about Free Bee is that her smile was a legitimate smile and did not double as a mask. Albeit ignorance or naivety, Free Bee didn’t smile through her pain; she smiled despite it.
Today I look back on those years of my life and cringe at some of the decisions I made. So many of my problems at the time (honestly all of them) were easily avoidable had I been more forgiving of myself. Subconsciously I felt deserving of my misfortunes so I found ways to exist alongside my trauma rather than trying to move past it. #FreeSpirits may have formed as a distraction or coping mechanism, but Free Bee evolved into an alter ego of sorts and a prominent aspiration of mine. When I’m overwhelmed and can’t stop overthinking, this is the version of myself in which I can always find peace.
Throughout my childhood I daydreamed about being an insanely talented musician. I envisioned myself belting out notes like Whitney, with moves like Bey, playing a plethora of instruments like Prince. In reality, I may just be one of the least musically gifted people you will ever meet. Not only am I a tone deaf singer, but I have absolutely no sense of rhythm; which apparently you need in order to learn just about all instruments. Turns out lack of rhythm is also a significant hindrance in the dance world too. During my late teens and early twenties as I passed through that ugly, people pleasing, unsure-of-self phase; I let people’s opinions and criticisms snuff out the music in me.
Then one day I decided to be a musician. Just like that. I went to a music store; bought a ukulele and some bongo drums; called my bestfriend Sim who went out and bought a harmonica; and we birthed the #FreeSpirits, performing artists. The ‘band’ label didn’t suit us because it was too restricting and we were so much more than the music. If that sounds a bit delusional, it’s because it definitely was. On our off days we’d dance our way down Dauphin Street with our instruments loudly remixing songs, completely oblivious to just how annoying the general public found us.
It didn’t matter that I’d only mastered three chords and zero strumming patterns or that Sim was always flat or off key. Just as it didn’t matter that practically every relationship in my life was in shambles. It sure as hell didn’t matter that at home and work my anxiety was so bad it had begun to manifest physically. Free Bee was just that; free. I can still hear those laughs and feel that joy in my soul. The days we spent frolicking downtown are forever etched in my heart and #FreeSpirits remains a notable milestone on my journey to self love. You see being obnoxious with my best friend could easily be dismissed as an insignificant act, the norm for us, but this moment helped shift my course in unfathomable ways.
This moment is when I began to dance in public again. Singing in the sun is where I learned to tune out the naysayers and do what brings me joy. Living so completely in the moment is how I realized I could distance myself from situations to get perspective. Having a friend love me unconditionally, supporting every dream, hope, and goal is why I no longer question whether my brokenness makes me less worthy of love. Sim is who helped make me brave, helped make me confident, and helped me rediscover my voice. While I am well aware a career in the music industry is more than likely not on my horizon, I honestly can’t wait to see what the future has in store for Free Bee.
The #FreeSpirits live on!!
Miss Bee Confident. Spirited. Free.
