Best Foot Forward = Bullshit
You know what happens when you continually put your best foot forward? You create drag. Showcasing only your best parts is exhausting and not genuine. Be honest with the world, be honest with yourself; trust that the relationships worth having will last. I am not defined by my worst qualities; but once I refused to hide them away the quality of relationships in my life drastically improved. I want the same for you.
About four years ago I worked at a daycare and was dating a local musician: both ended terribly (stories for another time.) One of my coworkers, we’ll call her Red, asked me something about my boyfriend to which my response was, “Ew, he’s never heard me sing! I would never!”
Another thing I will never do is forget the genuine look of astonishment on her face when she replied, “Bee, that makes my heart so incredibly sad for you. Like, how can he know you if he’s never heard you sing?” She turned out to not be the best of friends, but her concern was valid and very much so warranted. I am a terrible singer, flat out awful. However, I spend more time singing loudly than anyone should. I taught preschool for years and made up songs for every lesson and occasion. I’m that annoying lady in the grocery store singing along to the overhead music. Still today, I serenade my coworkers and students daily. Past neighbors celebrated the day I moved out and my current ones are probably anxiously awaiting the day I can afford my dream house and move out of this condo. I sing and dance my way through the days and Red honestly could not imagine me spending a significant amount of time with anyone, let alone my boyfriend,refraining from something that she saw as such an integral part of me.
Yall, it was way more than me sounding awful and not wanting to be judged by a musician; that was part of it though. It took me a long time to realize that the reason I didn’t behave that way around him was because I wanted him to see me as refined, mature, wifey material and not the carefree, obnoxious, goofball that I am. It took me even longer to realize that I can be an obnoxious goofball AND mature, wifey material. I wasn’t being real so no matter how hard I tried to force it, it wasn’t going to work. That’s but one silly example of how I flubbed this lesson on my journey to self-love. Have you ever worn what’s trendy instead of what’s comfortable? Changed the radio before your family or certain friends got in the car? Smile to the point your cheeks hurt because your rbf is “off putting?” Ha! Me neither :-)
All I’m saying is that if you want people to love and respect you, you’ve got to give them the opportunity to know you. All of you. I get it, it’s natural to want people to see the best in us. But if you expect the relationship to be lasting or have any depth, then you must share the bad too. Think of those “not so great” character traits as seeds; I’ll use my stubbornness for example. You put your best foot forward and show off all the shiny, sparkly perfection while shoving down the less desirables. You’re not doing anything wrong; you’re focusing on the good and subconsciously hiding the bad, right? Well what happens when you bury a seed?
I know I can be stubborn. Many, many people have told me this from a very young age and not always in the kindest way possible. When I was younger I didn’t understand what it really meant or how not to be. After hearing stubborn used derogatorily for so long, I went through a “people pleasing” phase. Ohhhh man, that was the worst. Amongst friends, family, teachers, everywhere; I made it my goal to always be agreeable. It was a disaster. I’d be alone and internally beat myself up for things I should have said or done.
Instead of working on ways to use my stubbornness for good or at least manage it, I had buried it; and what grew from those seeds were roots of resentment. Resentment toward myself and my so called friends and family that I felt were taking advantage of me; they weren’t of course. One day my go-to agreeable response, “I’m cool with whatever you want.” was met with a very hostile, “You don’t care about anything!”
Looking back, that was a relatively weak jab that stubborn Bee totally would have brushed off. But combined with that eye roll, finger point, and tone of voice; that weak jab broke me.
And those resentment roots sprouted into self doubt and identity confusion. Because in all actuality I did care; I cared too much. I cared so much about what people thought that I tried to become what I thought others wanted me to be; not Bee. Because there I was being punished for speaking my mind and standing firm then also being punished for not. What was I to do? So naturally, anger is what blossomed. I lived a hate-fueled existence for longer than I care to admit. Overall, it wasn’t healthy nor was it conducive to any form of relationship. But my angry place is where I learned the valuable lesson I’m sharing with you today. It may be common sense to most, but I can guarantee I’m not the only person that took too long to come to these realizations:
You can not and will not make everyone happy. That’s a pointless goal.
Some people actively search for things to be upset about. Don’t be one of them.
Other people’s approval of you should not matter more than your approval of yourself.
As I got older I learned that being stubborn is only a bad thing if you’re also stupid; luckily I’m not. Also, the words stubborn and mean/rude/disrespectful ARE NOT synonymous; I can very politely prove my way is best! It’s been a long while since I’ve been referred to as a “stubborn bitch” so I’m definitely making progress!
The takeaway is this: Be someone that makes you proud! Now I am one hundred percent okay with people thinking I’m bullheaded, because nine times out of ten they also know about my big heart and kind spirit. My sisters, my students, my coworkers, my best friends, my small group at church: they all get the same Bee! Do I have mood swings and am I occasionally temperamental? Absolutely. But I am comfortable with all of these people no matter my head space because I’ve been honest about who I am therefore I’m not forced to live a lie. So you can hop around flashing your best foot for the world, pretending; living fake perfection. Me, I’m gonna proudly use both feet to strut in all my beautiful, imbalanced, realness.
Creatively yours,
Miss Bee Proud, Honest, Strong
