Seeing Red
Sooo you may recall I mentioned a former friend, Red, in one of my earlier posts. I wholeheartedly stand by what was posted, however a slight clarification is in order. I told you guys Red turned out not to be a good friend. This is true, but turns out it is only half of said truth. For a long while I believed her to be a bad friend and faulted her for the demise of our relationship. It is with an enlightened heart that I make the following amendment: Red is not a bad friend, we were simply in different seasons and needed different things.
If you want to read a Lifetime drama about best friends that evolve into frenemies and eventually actual enemies before learning important life lessons, finding love, and moving past their differences; this ain’t that!
First of all, it’s 2020 so let’s stop trying to normalize the stupid word “frenemies” and label it as the toxic relationship it is. It’s never okay to knowingly be in any sort of relationship with someone intentionally being disingenuous regarding how you feel about them. You are better than that and you deserve better than that.
“But Bee, sometimes it’s a tricky situation at work or school and it’s smarter to keep the peace.” I’m not buying it! There’s a difference between being professional/cordial and being a phony. If you really, truly believe there is a legitimate instance in which the aforementioned form of manipulation is the morally suitable choice, please scroll down to the comments and let me hear it; but be ready for me to point out the flaws in your unsound logic. Moving on.
As much as I would love to write for a ridiculously corny, drama-packed television series, as of now these stories are real life. Which means:
I’m typically too oblivious or stressed to pick up on any foreshadowing.
Not only are the plot twists annoyingly inconvenient, but the silver linings are rarely evident in the moment.
There’s no narrator or other cinematic devices to make me privy to the antagonistic perspective; I’m flying blind, so to speak.
I’ve requested them several times but my producer/director, Big G, doesn’t seem to be on board with the musically accompanied montages that hasten me through the grit directly to the love, growth, and happily ever afters. Bummer.
Studio magic allows actors to forgive one another and move on in an instant. In real life we make the choice to forgive, and have to figure out how to actually live with it. We make the decision, then it becomes our responsibility to learn how to move through the pain without becoming one of those hurt people that hurt people. Unlike what we see on the screens, forgiveness is not quick, it’s not easy, nor is it always permanent.
I need yall to understand that forgiveness is a skill that I have definitely not mastered and my progress is constantly in flux. In theory, I am a very forgiving person. I continually remind myself to extend the grace that I would want extended to me. I honestly believe that holding grudges gives your offender too much power over your happiness. Every part of me knows that holding on to past hurt is not beneficial to my future. However, people acquainted with me personally know that I am notorious for completely cutting people out of my life; my ‘blocked’ list is expansive!
On many, many occasions I’ve said, “I forgive you, but I definitely don’t need you and your toxicity in my life.” I would then proceed to live as if they never existed. A good friend of mine recently told me that my ability to dismiss people from my life is one of the reasons she looks up to me; she thinks it makes me stronger or braver than her (we’ll for sure have to address this further another time.)
For the sake of argument, let’s just say when I dismiss a person from my life I also release all ill will towards them. That’s the same as forgiveness right? In my mind it was. What do you think? Recently I have been going back and forth trying to decide whether or not my cutoff game is truly forgiveness or just a copout used because I’m unwilling to put in the work required to actually forgive.
That brings me to Red, the former friend and coworker of mine. It would be easy (and honest) for me to lace our story with tales of cattiness, deceit, and betrayal but it really comes down to this: We were best friends, then we weren’t. Here’s the Sparknotes version:
Red and I were incredibly close, like family. We worked together five days a week and also spent just about every weekend together either just hanging or going on family adventures with my kids. Our friendship ended abruptly after what should have been a small tiff. Someone I loved and cared deeply for disagreed with a text I’d sent and never spoke to me again. Over time tidbits of information made its way to me through others, but Red never once reached out to apologize or at the very least rationalize or explain what I perceived as erratic behavior.
I’d been dosed with a taste of my own cutoff flavored medicine and didn’t like it one bit! After days of ignored texts and calls I accepted that our friendship had really ended over something so petty. Then I did what I do best and she no longer existed.
So why, three years later, was I both delighted and bothered when she wrote to see if I wanted to plan a family day? I read her message and my first thought was, “Wow, so we’re just gonna pretend none of it happened?” If my cutoffs are actually equivalent to forgiveness, then yes; that should have been a possibility. I may not want her to be a part of my everyday life again but if I had really forgiven her I wouldn’t have expected an apology or explanation. So I didn’t respond to her message right away. Instead I finally took the time I needed to really process what happened between us. I considered the entirety of our friendship, what it meant to me, and how I contributed to its end. What I realized was that Red probably spent three years waiting for her friend to reach out with an apology too.
I would love to wrap it up in a nice bow like the movies and tell a sappy story about our reunion, but I can’t. I haven’t seen her and who knows if I will. I am sure about this though: I have honestly forgiven myself for any hurt I inflicted on her and I no longer harbor resentment for the hurt she caused me. And that’s that. Real life yall.
Creatively yours,
Miss Bee Understanding. Empathetic. Forgiving.
